Like Silent Raindrops Fell
by llamaSUPERNOVA
Summary: There's only one person in the world that Remus truly hates. It takes one hour before a moonlit night for him to realize just how much, and the days that follow to uncover the other side of hate. Sortof prequel to Redemption Song. AU. Angst.
1. The Wells of Silence

Hate was a strong word

Hate was a strong word. To say Remus hated his life would be a gross overstatement. It would mean that he hated everything in his life, which was far from the truth. His condition was certainly undesirable, and the way people looked at him like he was something disgusting that had crawled out of that sewer (that is, if they bothered to look at all) he could live without. There was only one real thing he hated. It seemed to Remus, though, unfortunate that the ratio of things he disliked and those he didn't was so disturbingly unbalanced. But as long as he had his three best friends, things would be alright in the end.

The sun was low in the sky.

In merely an hour, his human mind would be forgotten. The fifteen year-old sat alone in the attic room, cramped with beds, waiting. When he was younger he would try to hide. Perhaps if he were not found, nothing would happen. Perhaps it was a cruel punishment that his master had devised, and it was that place that did it to him. But that was when he was far too young to understand his own condition, and Remus was always found, one way or another. Now he just waited quietly for him to come, knowing fully well the potential disaster that could happen if he was not properly secured in time.

The creaky stairs gave him away. They always did. Remus jumped to his feet as the door swung open as Lord Black entered, his nose flared as though the very presence of the room offended him. But he had seen this expression far too many times to care. What did it matter if he cared or not anyway?

Without a word, or even really looking at him, Lord Black snapped his fingers and then turned straight around and walked out of the room. They had gone through this routine far too many times, and Remus knew that that snap was an indication to follow him. It was almost as though it would be an insult to actually speak to Remus, unless it was to give him an order. Then again, he reminded himself, that was exactly what it was.

Waiting in the Entrance Hall at the bottom of the stairs was Sirius, looking deeply troubled and nothing short of angry. Remus tried to catch his eye, but he wouldn't look at him. A terrible thought crossed his mind. But no, surely not…

"Ready, son?"

A beat passed, then Sirius gave the most miniscule of nods to his father before falling into step with him, obviously full of reluctance.

Remus caught his breath. He suddenly felt sick. Because why else would he have joined them if not to watch the next part of their monthly routine, the one thing Remus knew was unnecessary and degrading. Why else would Sirius refuse to look at him? He was ashamed, but it was nothing compared to what Remus felt right then.

These thoughts and worries carried him all the way down to the dungeon, where Sirius broke off from them to stand in the corner, look incredibly uncomfortable. Time seemed to pass in slow motion as Remus removed his shabby tee shirt. Lord Black grabbed his wrists and clamped them one at a time into the rusty shackles on dungeon wall, so that his chest was pressed up against the cold stone, his exposed back was facing them.

The monthly whippings were needless, demeaning. Having Sirius present would only make it even more humiliating, because Remus was certain he had never discussed them with anyone. He had hoped Lily, Sirius, and Alice would believe the gashes were his own doing, under the influence of the full moon. That plan now seemed to burn inside him, along with his own shame and degradation, and for what? So that his master could feel that the five minutes he spent in bringing Remus down there had not been entirely wasted.

It was a pointless retribution, and he was certain his master didn't care that the fresh wounds only made the wolf inside him angrier when it was finally released.

Or maybe that was the entire point.

It was taking much longer than usual for it to begin. Lord Black and Sirius seemed to having a disagreement, but it ended quite suddenly. The first blow arrived a moment after.

There was far less power behind it than usual, but still enough to make Remus wince and tense up. A moment passed before he heard Lord Black speak, from rather further away than he would have expected.

"You need to really mean it."

Oh god.

It was Sirius. That explained everything, and Remus actually stopped breathing for a moment. He felt something wet graze his cheek.

Crying wasn't something he'd done in years, when it was something he did quite a lot of. He'd had a nightmare, the full moon was fast approaching, his mother had to leave…anything would set him off. When Lily wasn't around, the only comfort he'd had was a harsh slap on the face from Lord or Lady Black. Years of experience hadn't hardened Remus, but rather taught him how to keep his emotions to himself.

But now he wasn't sure he could do it.

"Father, I can't."

"I understand how difficult it is punishing servants for the first time, but you will become accustomed to it."

"I Ican't/I."

"Sirius, you are the heir to the House of Black. When you are grown, this will be your duty."

"Please, don't make me do this."

Remus had never heard Sirius beg before, and would have been shocked if he wasn't so preoccupied trying to hold back his tears.

IPlease don't make him do it, please don't make him to it./I

Silence.

IPlease…please…please don't./I

A beat passed. Then another. Finally he heard Lord Black speak in a steely tone.

"Your grandfather first permitted me to do this at the age of thirteen. You will perform this task now or face my displeasure."

That closed the matter.

Remus closed his eyes in resignation and waited. Tears were still trickling down his face. Then the crack of the whip and a sharp pain on his back as blood began to flow as well as his tears. Two, three, four times. Remus gritted his teeth and sharply inhaled. Five, six. What was wrong with him – why was he still crying? Why couldn't he control himself like every other time? The whip continued to land and Remus gave up his futile struggle to remain composed, letting his tears fall freely. No one would care. He would do it anyway later, so why should it matter if he did it now instead?

Just because Lord Black and Sirius were there. But why should he care? Why should anyone care? Why…why….

Finally, after thirty-five, it was over. As soon as Lord Black released his hands from the manacles, Remus collapsed to the floor, exhausted. His wrists were raw and chafed where they had rubbed against the rusted iron. Tears still streaming down his face, he sat up and allowed Lord Black to clamp his newly liberated wrists into a lower pair of shackles. Remus didn't look at Sirius, although he could practically feel his horrified gaze boring holes into him.

"Come along, Sirius. It'll happen soon, and those manacles don't always hold him in."

Remus heard the door shut and lock, and then two pairs of footsteps become fainter and fainter until they disappeared altogether.

It all came back to him now, this awful man he hated so. It was because of Lord Black that he was taken away from his mother so young, that he constantly hid in fear as a little boy, and that he had once tried to change the color of his eyes and, due to wand restrictions, went blind for three days. It was his fault that he was subjected to this irrational humiliation once a month, that he would now not be able to look Sirius in the eye for weeks, and that he had, for the first time in years, shown the toll this was all taking on him.

Then a cloud shifted and, for the first time in his life, Remus was glad to escape from the confinement of his thoughts, and to sink into a mind that thought of nothing but unretributed violence.


	2. Fools, You Do Not Know

"You did something

"You did something."

He squinted at her. Lily's hair was blurred slightly, but he could make out the shrewd look on her face, the one where she looked like she was trying to pick out what was missing.

"What d'you mean?" Remus looked away, back at the chipped mirror he was trying to mend the cuts across his face in front of. Due to his shaking hands, he was having some difficulty unscrewing the cap of a tube of ointment.

Looking at him as though it should be obvious, she let out a bemused sigh and said rather sarcastically, "Let's see – you're acting fairly tetchy, you didn't eat breakfast, and – oh, that's right, you turned into a werewolf last night. You should be resting."

"Well, I'm not," he said shortly. He didn't want to discuss the previous night with her. Not with anyone. Ever.

Lily sighed in annoyance and said, "Exactly my point. You always get the day after full moon off. So you must have brassed off someone."

"Nothing happened, I just don't need to rest today."

"Excuse me, Mr. Martyr, but I really think you do," she said firmly, "You look worse than normal, in fact. Looks like you've had seven shades of shit knocked out of you."

He fumbled and dropped the tube. Lily raised her eyebrow. She was, he knew, determined to find out what was going on. Which meant she would ask Sirius. He rested his head in his hand for a moment. Sirius wasn't going to tell her. He couldn't, could he? Remus didn't have the faintest idea. It was as though he didn't even know him anymore.

She seemed to be speaking again.

"I'm not the nosy type, you know that. I just want to make sure there's nothing going on, because if there is and you're not telling me about it, then it's clearly something I should be – "

"Lily," Remus struggled for words. He needed her to shut up. But how was he to do that? You didn't just shut Lily up. "Just…leave it, alright? Leave it be."

A moment passed before she said, "Fine. But you're wearing a jumper."

"It's August," he pointed out.

"I don't care. You're not getting ill on my watch."

"You're a madwoman," he grumbled, "And you're going to be a piss-poor mum one day."

She smiled primly, knowing it was a backhanded compliment, and he knew he'd put her off the argument for the moment. He still needed to get her as far off the topic as possible, though.

"Where's Alice?"

"Diagon Alley."

"What, this early?"

"Regulus is getting his school things," Lily pointed out, "You know Lady Black doesn't like going later in the day – to 'avoid all that common riffraff'."

"Right."

Remus was having trouble keeping his hands steady, and decided to give up on the ointment. He set it lightly on the side of the sink and began to run the tap. Water could suffice. Lily frowned and turned off the faucet, then twisted the cap off the tube and handed it to him. He smiled faintly, trying to ignore the unpleasant feeling that Lily had some sort of sixth sense.

"Remus – " she began.

But then the stairs creaked and his stomach gave an almighty lurch as the door opened and Sirius slunk into the room, looking terribly upset.

Why couldn't he just hide his emotions for once in his life?

"What's the matter with you?" asked Lily.

Sirius shrugged and tried to catch Remus' eye, but he looked away. He wasn't ready for this yet. Why couldn't Sirius have just let it be?

Lily looked between the two boys and threw her hands up in frustration before saying, "Fine, don't tell me! But, whatever this thing is, you'd better figure it out now."

Then she left the room, slamming the door behind her.

A horrible silence followed, during which only the sound of Lily stomping down the rickety wooden stairs could be heard.

Finally Sirius smiled weakly and said, "Mental, that one."

Remus wouldn't meet his gaze. He just…couldn't. Because it wasn't right that Sirius should be just as angry and upset about the night before as he was, and, at the same time, it wasn't right that he should stand there and try to joke about it. There had to be some middle ground.

Better yet, Sirius should just leave. Remus didn't want to talk to him. But it seemed he just didn't get it.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Unbelievable. Twisting around what happened to make it his fault. Remus finally looked at him, defiant.

"I don't see what difference it would've made."

"I could've helped."

"Like you did last night?" he asked bitterly. Remus didn't know where all this anger was coming from – all he knew was that he felt no sympathy at all when Sirius took a step back, as though slapped.

"That was different," he said quietly.

Remus shook his head. "Not for me. All you did last night was try to get yourself out of something unpleasant."

"I – I'd thought he wouldn't go through with it," Sirius explained, "I hadn't realized it wasn't the first time."

How deceptively naïve Sirius was.

"And if you had?" he asked. "Oh, I'm sure you would have turned into some martyr on the spot."

Sirius hated to be mocked. Remus hardly cared.

"No," he admitted, gritting his teeth, "but if you'd just told me what was going on, I could've talked to him or something. Told him it wasn't worth it over lycanthropy. Last night never would have happened."

Remus shook his head and said quietly, "You don't understand. There's a lot more to it than that."

But Sirius couldn't know about that. There was no possible way. He would have confronted him by now, made a big thing out of it. Now that one secret was out in the open, the time wasn't right for another.

"What d'you mean?"

He should have not said anything. There was no way Sirius was going to let a comment like that pass by unnoticed.

"Nothing. It's not important."

"You never say anything unless it's important. Spit it out."

"No," said Remus angrily, "you don't get to tell me what to do anymore, and I'm not sure as I'm in the mood."

He slammed the door behind him.


	3. Silence Like a Cancer Grows

Brunch that morning was an awkward affair for all parties involved. While normally each Black would eat on their own, the day was Sunday, which meant that Lord Black insisted the entire family eat together. While Remus was usually expected to attend in order to serve Sirius, it seemed that Regulus had had a bit of a fit while shopping earlier in the day, which meant Lily was expected to attend to him while Alice recuperated for an hour or so.

Maybe it would have been better if the brat could have held his temper for once. He was still sulking. Despite the curious glances Lily was shooting between him and Sirius, Remus couldn't help but notice her troubled expression, something he couldn't help but feel had to do with some matter entirely different. After the row they had had earlier, Sirius was being unnaturally quiet, every so often glancing at Remus apologetically. Subtlety had never been his strong point. Shrewd as ever, Lady Black could hardly miss one of these glances as Remus refilled Sirius' goblet.

"Sirius," she said sharply.

He looked up, as though only just noticing she was there. "Mother?"

"Your father has informed me that you were of some assistance to him last night."

Remus froze. He could feel the heat rising in his face and in his chest, though Lady Black's gaze was, thankfully, still fixed on her eldest son. Sirius turned red and scowled, though nodded slightly.

She nodded primly and said, "I am glad to hear of it. And can I expect that you will assist him more regularly from now on?" This she directed at her husband, who nodded sternly at Sirius, who, in turn, set his jaw out and turned, if possible, and even deeper shade of crimson.

Frozen completely in place, Remus could feel his heart pounding. Sirius was going to be doing it _again?_ But he should have been prepared for that. He should have been prepared for the whole thing. Had he really been naïve enough to think that his master wouldn't pass the task to his son? At the very least, it was August, which meant it wouldn't happen again for another nine months. Mesmerized in his thoughts, Remus hadn't been aware that he was still hovering between Sirius and Lady Black until the latter cleared her throat and waved him away.

Glad for a reason to leave, Remus began to retreat to the wall, but a brisk snap of the fingers told him she had changed her mind and, full of dread, he returned to her side, looking at the floor.

"There is something out of place here, boy, can you not tell me what that is?"

"No, Mistress."

"Pity. Perhaps you might tell me, Sirius?"

When she received no answer, only a sullen and confused look, she sighed and pressed on, "How extraordinary that I find a slave commonly found lounging abed this specific time of month instead down where he ought to be. Tell me, boy, why is this?"

"I am well enough today to be of service, Mistress."

"Then it would seem that your master did not do his proper job last night. This will improve, Sirius."

Lady Black clucked her tongue against her teeth in disdain and waved him away. Remus was breathing heavily as he returned to his place next to Lily, covered in a delicate sweat. He could feel her horrified gaze boring into him, but he couldn't look at her. Somehow, in his determination to do just that, his eyes locked onto Sirius', who now looked just as helpless as he, himself, felt.

Predictably, both Lord Black and Regulus had managed to remain completely unaffected by the scene, solely because they were far less perceptive than anyone else present. So it was a welcome respite when Lord Black broke the tension with, "So when are we to expect young Master Potter today?"

For some reason, Lily almost dropped her wand.

--

"What the bloody hell is going on?" hissed Lily.

Remus and she were elbow-deep in soapy water, cleaning dishes and silverware. He gave her a furious look, warning her to be quiet. Then he jerked his head toward the stove, where the formidable cook Henry was juggling about three frying pans at once. Though he was the most parent-like figure any of them had ever known, with a soft spot for Alice in particular, Remus knew the precise number of times he'd gotten a beating from him, and knew he wouldn't think twice about giving him a clout for whispering in the kitchen.

Besides, he was still doing his best to ignore her, though he hated to admit it was getting more and more difficult now that that his master and mistress had decided to advertise what had happened.

Henry glanced over at the pair of them and raised his eyebrows. Normally they were laughing and making a mess with the dish soap, but today he was stoically not looking at anyone and she was violently scrubbing at a fork. He silently cursed Lily, and prayed he wouldn't have Henry prying into things as well.

After a moment, though, the huge cook turned off the stove and meaningfully walked into the cavernous storeroom, shutting the door firmly behind him. Almost immediately Lily turned on him.

"Tell me."

"No."

"_Tell me._"

"Lily, there's absolutely nothing to tell. I thought you got that this morning."

"Yeah, but that was before what happened in the dining room. You can't possibly expect me to believe you now."

Why on earth did she have to be so downright demanding? That it was simply in her nature to butt her way into every problem and fix it occurred to him, but he brushed it off with annoyance. Remus took a deep breath.

He closed his eyes and then said, "Okay, you're right. Something did happen last night."

Her eyes lit up, but the excitement was short-lived because the next thing he said was, "But I'm not going to tell you. I _can't_. Because maybe Sirius deserves for everyone to know what he did, but for me it would be torture. This probably makes no sense to you, but I physically _can't say it._"

And now Lily was looking at him with the strangest look in her eyes and in that moment he was absolutely exhausted and then she said the very last thing he'd ever expected.

"Okay."

"What?"

"I said okay. I know you, Remus, and I know you'll want to talk about whatever it is that happened eventually. I promise I'll be there then, but for now I'll lay off."

His whole body relaxed with a relieved sigh, then he nodded. Finally, they'd come to an understanding. Lily then grinned a little sadly at him before pulling him down to her rather short level in an embrace. Initially he winced a bit, as she unknowingly pressed her hand against the fresh scars on his back, but then gave into her hug as he realized that at least he had gained one ally.

As much as he hated to admit it, Lily made him realize something. Avoidance wasn't going to work…he would have to confront Sirius sooner or later.


End file.
